After praying and praying for the right timing and preparation in our hearts, we decided it was time to start trying. Within the first month, we were pregnant--due to be parents January 30th of the new year. Though I had prayed and felt at peace with trying, I was shocked, mortified, scared, "I can't do this, what were we thinking!" I loved being a wife, giving of myself to support my husband. I loved being a woman of the house keeping everything clean and under control. I loved being a 24 year old, running and stretching my muscles on the frisbee field or through the neighborhoods, late night dinner parties with friends, and camping on a whim in the middle of March's freezing winds. This was my life. There was no room for motherhood in this plan. Where did that peace of mind go? I put my pregnancy out of my mind (easily due to no morning sickness or fatigue) focusing on what I enjoyed in the summer months of Colorado. I could feel excited for the future of being a mother because it was still so far away, winter would never come when enjoying the late night crickets and clear stars. So I allowed myself to linger on the idealism of a new life.
Then my hips hurt. My belly bulged and weight piled on. I was surrounded by wild and screaming kids not listening to their parents, a crying baby when held by a stranger, chaos and noise. "I can't do this, what were we thinking!" Fatigue gripped my body and imagining chasing a little child or waking up in the middle of the night to that cry that grips your heart was too much once again. I'm 35 weeks pregnant and teetering on the edge of overwhelming joy and excitement and fear of being too tired to not yell and reject my baby.
And then my baby kicks me. In these moments I cannot believe this little person has pieces of my beloved husband. The joy comes in the quiet moments in the middle of the night when it is just me and this little one nestled on my chest, miniature toes curled, big beautiful eyes locked on me. The beauty comes in this little being completely trusting me though he has never met me. This little one needing and loving me, coming to me above anyone else because I am "Mama." This little bundle of blankets is a gift. This baby is on my mind every moment. The swell of my belly makes me smile, the kicks and bladder grabs make me giggle with little girl joy at feeling this ideal become reality. God is in control, God knows my heart, and God gave me a gift that I will love and enjoy.Counting down the days until I get to meet this little gift.
