Lessons Learned

They said you would learn a lot with the coming of a baby. You would learn patience, love, discipline, true fatigue, and grace. I have learned a lot and I would like to share.

Be The First To Say You're Sorry: Trivial things become big in marriage when a little stress maker comes along. I was told this would be an issue but I promised Caleb we would handle it better than every other couple out there. Ha. Pride is a big one and when you cast it aside and approach the other with a humble and apologetic heart, your spouse's heart will melt too. Hopefully. Issue dissolved.

In Marriage, Do Not Take Everything So Personally: There is a lot on your mind when caring for a baby. How many more hours until I have to feed him again? Why is he crying? Why won't he sleep? What if I drop him? What should I eat for lunch that is super fast? The last thing you need to be worrying about is why didn't he text me back right away? Why is he so quiet? Why is he working so much? I wonder if he is disappointed I have a mom body now? Don't take it personally. Your man is going through just as much with this huge change in his life as you are. He is processing, grieving his bachelor life, grieving his wife's body that used to be only his, and is equally tired and stressed about how he is going to pay for the hospital bills, doctor bills, and diapers. Give him some room and do him a favor by not putting your emotional stability on his plate too. Advice noted. I'll try that next time.

Turn Off Your Cell Phone: When you pull your eyes away from Facebook, text messages, Pinterest, and email, you will notice a whole world out there to feast your eyes on. The peace and trust on your child's face as he nurses, the crazy neighbor riding his bike with an American flag attached to his seat, the leaves slowly yet quickly opening up the Spring sun. Plus, now I have two hands to hold my baby instead of an awkward one.

Your Baby Loves Your Voice: Whether you are a famous opera singer or tone deaf, your baby will coo and sing along to your beautiful voice. He has heard it for nine months in the womb and it is the safest noise he knows. I don't talk much, especially when no one is home, but talk about anything with your baby. My husband is a pro at this. He just tells him what he is doing and pretends Locklan asked why to give him more to talk about. I'm working on it.

A Smile Goes A Long Way: It is something else to get up in the middle of the night or wee hours of the morning cranky and tired only to find a smiling baby greeting you from his crib. Your irritation melts away and a smile bursts from your face. His smile is so innocent and full of joy. Smiles truly are contagious. My goal is to do more of it not just with my own baby but with strangers I pass on the street.

Maybe May

Whelp, April is over with and I was not so good about keep up with my "All Out April" challenge goal. I worked pretty hard the first half of the month and it petered out after that. It got a little redundant doing the same workout video over and over and then finding the time to get Lock to my husband's work for a run was just draining. Excuses excuses. Yeah well.. I bought a running stroller. Yay! So May will be a different story!  Plus the Bolder Boulder will top my month off in the end. It will be a good month. The "Maybe May" challenge.

Any challenges you guys have come up with? Be creative! Let me know!

Nana's House

I took a mini vacation to my mama's house. Walking into her house, I immediately feel cozy and a part of something special. She always has little touches of the season throughout her house. Bright leaves in the corners and on the piano for fall, boughs of pines on the banister for winter, and of course my favorite tulips from papa on the coffee table for spring.

It was just me and Lock this time. I left Caleb at home giving him the chance to catch up on sleep and stay up late with his pals. It was also a chance for my mama to get to know Lock a little bit better and spend hours catching up over tea with me!

My mama is now called Nana. She loves her new role of  being a grandma. She shared with me the other day how after being a grandma, she realizes what she missed out on as a mother. New to the role and usually young, a mother can get caught up in the shoulds and stresses of doing what she needs to for the baby to keep him alive. Life is just one poopy diaper to the next with maybe a sip of coffee in between. Life goes by in a blur as your baby grows from scrawny helpless baby to gurgling drooling love bug, to running-away-from-a-spanking toddler. Then they graduate. Though we try to enjoy each moment with out little ones, we often look forward to the first smile, first time they sit up, first walk, or first day of school. Not only are we new mothers, we are still wrapped up in a busy social life, school, or a career. It is hard to balance sometimes.

What my mother learned in her first years as a grandmother is that life isn't about what is happening in the world around us. Life is our little ones. It's simple, but profound. As a grandmother, she gets to live each moment fully devoted to her grandson when he is around. Because of that focus solely on her grandson, she has been able to witness things a busy mother trying to balance laundry or another child might miss.

So, as a mother, how can I translate the life of a grandmother into my own life? My life is Locklan David.

Locklan: 3 months

This blog originally started as a window into Locklan's life so family and friends from a distance could see him grow and hear updates on his little quirks. Then I got sucked in to all the neat things in the blogging world via my good friend. So distractions aside, let me give you a little bit of Locklan.

Lock is now three months old. He holds his head up pretty well now and gurgles little conversations to himself in the mirror. He now holds onto a rattle and tries to put it in his mouth. I can't wait for him to be giggling and sitting on the floor putting everything in his mouth! No joke. I'm excited for that.

FAVORITE THINGS: He loves to stand. Standing has got to be his ultimate favorite activity and gets very proud of himself while doing it. He already laughs when he toots and he thinks it is the greatest thing ever when you tap his nose. He loves his Irish lullaby and is beginning to be acquainted with the idea of sitting.

And he is still a sleepy head.

Currently ~ Colorado Spring

A friend of mine does this every once in a while and I thoroughly enjoy reading what she is up to, currently. I pray she doesn't mind my taking her idea.

LOOKING FORWARD TO: Colorado Spring. Where are you warm breezes, sunshine, and tulips? The seasons seem to be shifting forward. Ugly brown death in December, 70 degree sunshine in January, Beautiful Christmas snowfalls in March, the crazy cold winds of March in April, and not a blossom or warm rainfalls of April to beckon May blossoms. My prediction? Zero spring replaced by blistering summer heat of July. Sigh.

READING: Pride and Prejudice. The wonderful classic by Jane Austin of course. I have watched the newer film multiple times (once while in sync with a good friend living in Boston over the phone). With a literature degree, focus in Victorian Literature, one would think I would have read it by now. Nope. I haven't read Romeo and Juliet either. Fail in the literature department. 

WRITING: As much as possible. Writing doesn't come easily to me. I have a tendency to think too much and edit my sentences as I write preventing me from getting further than a few sentences before I give up over laziness. Or I forget what I was writing about.  

LISTENING: A podcast about the arts of parenting. It is plum full with inspiring pieces of advice and guidelines on raising children to be obedient and respectful without crushing their natural spirits or forming them into little copies of their parents. I have noticed that the youth of my generation and the next have zero respect for anyone or themselves and have no structure or tools to help them through life after high school. Their parents do everything for them and are basically ruled by them too afraid to upset their children and cause tantrums. This podcast gives parents the tools to be.. well, parents. Guardians and providers, not authoritarian dictators or flimsy pushovers. Anyways, hard to give this gem justice. You'll just have to listen for yourself. 

In This Moment

The life of a mom can be hard to balance getting things done and slowing down and just enjoying the surprise smiles and leg kicks. I have yet to capture a picture of his smile so you will have to suffice with his feet. 

Some days can consist of just getting from one nap to the next so I can have my arms free to do the dishes, laundry, tidy, or to just sit and read a book with a cup of tea. His waking cry then becomes something to dread instead of an opportunity to learn the new quirks of Lock.

Watching Lock interact throughout his day, I have learned something. I think Lock has got it right. Whether he understands the philosophy behind his actions or not (he doesn't) every minute of his day is life. Every minute he is learning new things: how to wiggle his fingers, grasp colorful toys, or even just focus his eyes on his mother's face. Most importantly, he is learning (or rather I am learning) more about himself. He loves to be cuddled to sleep, but only if you're not trying to multitask. I can wrap him up tight in his softest blankie, pop in his pacifier and cradle him against my warm body. But if I pull out my phone to try texting a friend, updating my status, or stalking others on Facebook, he squirms and whines and spits out his pacifier kicking his legs with discomfort. I put my phone down and cradle him with both arms, holding him tight. zzzzzz. I gingerly pull my phone out again and his eyes pop open. Gah! What?! Can't a girl have a life?

Sighing, I put my phone away and rock him again and look out the window. The sun is just peaking over the tops of the houses, its rays causing the snow to ignite into sparkles. The bare tree branches are painted white with the sticky snow and small puffs of smoke come up from the rooftops of neighboring houses. Am I in a fairy tale? Yes, Lock. You're right. Enjoy this moment.

Life is not about the next minute, the next event, the next set of drama. It is where you are right now sitting next to your hubby. The silence doesn't need to be filled, the idle time doesn't need to be made productive. THIS is my life. These moments that I let pass by with no second thought. My baby is growing so big already (rather too big for my little arms to be comfortable) and I wonder what minutes I might have missed because I want to know what everyone else is doing. In this day and age, we need to keep moving moving moving or we will get left behind in the latest fashions, technologies, or gossip.

But what about our families? Are we passing them up by moving too fast? Grab a cup of tea or a glass of wine and sit down with your spouse/friend/child and enjoy the moment. This moment.

Success!

Whew! It's been a while, for sure. Sorry guys. In fact, it's almost been two weeks. Let me update you on my victories! Since this blog is supposed to be positive and not about rants. Actually, it's supposed to be honest but I'm trying to live a more positive life, honestly.

I started about a month ago exclusively breastfeeding. If you have read my earlier posts, you will remember that I struggled quite a bit with Lock latching, staying latched, staying awake, low milk supply, and guilt with formula feeding. To remedy the low milk supply I tried pumping and feeding so I could monitor how much Lock was eating. That was exhausting but my stress fell off my shoulders knowing I wasn't starving my child and that his crying wasn't hunger but maybe something else. Then the doctor told me I was feeding him too much. Ironic. But since I knew how much I was making because of pumping, I decided to face my fears and try only breastfeeding him again. I was terrified my life would go back to feeding him every hour and a half and that I wouldn't get any sleep again (Lock was sleeping 6-8 hours at this point) and I would again feel those dreaded feelings of failure. I told myself if his time between feedings shortens, I will just go back to pumping. Easy as that. I gave myself a finish line of four days and we would take it from there, God willing. Yes, I would shoot God a prayer for success every once in a while but never really having the faith that it would change.

Four weeks later....

Success! Exclusively breastfeeding! I knew it I knew it I knew it. And he only takes 20 minutes to eat now instead of the looming hour and a half. Cherry on top!

Whether Lock needed time to grow, or my milk supply needed some help to increase, there was a growing period of patience and perseverance. Determination as well? I had given up hope and was counting the days to 3 months when I would just switch over to formula for pure convenience and sanity's sake. Whatever caused my doctor to try and hide his reaction of disappointment or did I read him wrong when I told him I was heavily supplementing with formula, it kicked my determination button to have faith, jump off the cliff, and make the decision to try at it again. Plus, I was embarrassed to tell him I had given up.

All this to say, there is hope out there ladies (who might be struggling with breastfeeding right now)! After the first few weeks with Lock, I thought my dreams of being a good breastfeeding mom were not possible for me and my little one. No saving money, no nursing on the go, or having a smaller diaper bag. At two months, we did it Lock! Give yourself time, do what you can to relax yourself and avoid whatever stresses you out. Take a deep breath and remember, both you and your little one are still learning.

Random embarrassing thought: does/did anyone else wish human babies could be like animal babies (specifically horses) where they can stand and suck perfectly in just a few hours after birth? Shoot.. I'm taking this honesty thing too far...

All Out April

New Challenge!

I have picked up this workout dvd for post pregnancy chubbers like me. My friend said it is amazing. I am looking forward to trying it and hoping it is suited to my split abs complex. My goal for April is to do 20-30 minutes of this lovely workout 4 days of my ever-so-busy-feeding-a-baby week.

Also....

4 miles of running a week. Sounds super simple but to a mom with no motivation and little time to motivate myself while Lock is sleeping, it sounds like a feat. A challenge!

Good luck to you guys who told me you were planning out your challenges this month too! We can do this!

And remember.....

March Manic Challenge

Just a little something something my husband and I like to do. We challenge ourselves and each other to meet a certain goal we set for ourselves during one month. We used to make it into a bet--"I bet I could run 100 miles in the month of January!" That is totally a Caleb bet. I would never do such a thing. If he accomplished it, I would have to do something nice/extraordinary for him. We got rid of that part. Actually, we got rid of the whole thing...laziness.

Well, as I grew plump with baby Lock, my mind began to suffocate (not literally) with not being able to just pick up and go on a run, do crunches, lunges, push ups, etc. Ok, so maybe you can do most of those things when you're pregnant...but I was tired. They said (the infamous "theys" of the magazines) that if you exercise you get more energy. Yeah, tell that to the potato on the couch.

Anyway... I am not a crazy work-out-until-you-throw-up kinda person. Nor do I really even work out consistently. I'm the person who works-out-when-my-muscles-are-getting-squishy-and-summer-is-coming-so-I-have-to-look-sexy kinda person. Sometimes I like to feel the burn and tearing of my muscles as they grow ever so strong. Sometimes. I do like feeling in shape, which brings me to my point. As pregnancy neared its end, my determination to get back into shape was on my suffocated mind.

Then I had my baby. Look, there he is!

And it was back to the couch for healing and sleep.

But as the weeks passed and my weight began to drop off and I saw glimpses of what my stomach used to look like, my determination came back. So I proposed an idea to Caleb. "Wanna do March Manic Challenge with me??" Yes.

March Manic Challenge. 1000 push ups, 500 sit ups (wasn't sure if my abs would heal in time) and 15 miles to run. Caleb's challenge was similar but a whole bunch more than those numbers.

I started out strong, did a few the first couple days. I enjoyed the sun on my face with a couple runs (while Caleb watched Lock, what a guy!) and then yeah. Today is the 25th. Total completed: 70 push ups, 60 sit ups, and  8 miles. 830 push ups, 340 sit ups, and 7 miles to go. I can do this! (don't check my math please). What happened you ask? You know, baby wise happened. Sleep training both for him and me. Breastfeeding struggles. Ok, how hard is it to do a few push ups during Lock's naps? Not hard at all.... Doesn't holding Lock count as upper arm strength building?

No excuses really. Unless you count my good sister telling me my abs are indeed still split and I shouldn't be doing any sit ups. What? I have a challenge to meet! Nuts. Where did my determination go? Spring is in the air!

So we will try again.

All Out April Challenge! The month where anything April says goes. :) No. More like Caleb saying, "Go all out April! Drop and give me 20!" Also it means, "Sorry dear, you want mac and cheese? All out, sincerely April." A diet!  It should be fun.We haven't set the challenge goals yet but I will update you soon...maybe.

Good luck April! Thanks.

Between eats

Balancing time as a mom, especially a super new mom like me, can be challenging. Today, my Locklan stayed on schedule like a textbook pro. Taking advantage of that plus my husband being home to help, I finally had time to finish a project that has been pending for weeks for Lock's room. I had a baby boy about two and half months ago and am just now beginning to decorate his room. I had plans of a New England harbor/beach theme with buoys and sailboats so luckily I at least had his walls painted a pretty blue/gray color with a hint of purple (I didn't know if he was going to be a boy or a girl). So now, here we go. My first project as a mom!

It was a real simple project. I started with three canvases I liked and sketched out an idea of what I wanted to paint: apologies for the blurry photo and beautiful drop cloth behind.

Then I blobbed them with some simple acrylic craft paint from Hobby Lobby. Super cheap. Hobby Lobby often has 50% off deals on their canvases, paint, and painting tools. 

With a scraper (also easily found at Hobby Lobby) I moved the paint around to make an abstract replica of my sketch. 

Then I added a hint of color to make it more interesting.

Voila! Project complete. This was my first time using a scraper to paint with but I thoroughly enjoyed myself.

Here are all three finished:

The Mundane

my baby is on a routine. eat, play, sleep. it is an extremely loose interpretation of Baby Wise (an over explained and over complicated way to make your baby sleep through the night). so far, he made it eight hours one night! yay for us! two things though:

a. it could have just been a growth spurt. he was super duper tired and ate like crazy all day that day

b. i forgot this reason. i'll come back to it.

with this routine comes predictability, which is wonderful! beautiful! easy! and predictable! my little boy's whines and cries are now easy to interpret into english. i could (roughly) know when i would have some free time to say, shower or even make myself a meal (besides the usual peanut butter stuffed pretzels i stuffed in my face real fast. they are delicious by the way). 

predictability also breeds the.. duh duh daaaa... mundane. 

oh yea, reason two: it has only happened once so far. so don't get your hopes up.

the mundane. eat, play (which sometimes can be interesting. other times it is like talking to a brick wall. no response. thanks kiddo), sleep. 

thought of another reason/statement: my kid is such a noisy sleeper. haven't moved him into his own room yet. i'm a softy.

the sleep part is still unpredictable. like right now. hold on one minute... ok. sometimes i have time for a nice long hot shower, maybe some dishes and laundry, other times i only have time to gulp a cup of coffee. as he ages, he becomes a lighter and pickier sleeper. the mundane part is the repetition. this routine repeats itself every three hours, and in my case, every two because my kid is a piggy and is growing like a little cute bean sprout. it isn't just he repetition of eat, play, sleep but also of the daily tasks of home managing. i swear i never did this much laundry when i was working. and dishes, it is easier just not eat, less things to do and clean. then it is tidying up the place--burp towel here, and there, and over here, bottles to be cleaned, cat to be fed and tickled, and pet and then tickled again and then fed again, dang cat. who has time to clean the bathrooms, vacuum the couch where my cat sleeps and the chair where my cat sleeps. so much for finishing my thank you cards ten years later or painting or crafts or what else did i ever enjoy doing. (my baby has such a cute snore. asleep at last).

i do feel like i have more time with this routine though. it is a jump up from the chaotic "oh crap, why are you crying, you hungry, poopy, tired, sad, mad, maybe hungry? why won't you sleep, here take a pacifier, sshhh" routine i was following.

but my original plan of this whole mundane vent: its the little things in between that make it so worth it. i would take this "mundane" life over fun-exciting-unpredictable-having a night life type of life. i mean, look at this face

i get to play with him all day (when he isn't sleeping). but even then, he is addicting

yes, more

with papa

and nana

see? even sleeping can be fun. in the mundane life, you need to look at the little things and find the exciting in them. you don't need a crazy story to make memories. sharing a cup of tea with my mama are some of my favorite memories. it's who you spend those minutes with and honestly, my little boy is the most interesting person out there. there is still so much to learn about him!

Positive Thoughts

I heard breastfeeding was hard. That you would want to give up for a while in the beginning but in the end was so worth it. I wasn't prepared. I had no idea what they meant until I faced it myself. No one told me that struggle could last up to three months. Or that even after five weeks, the progress can still look slim to none. I felt alone, that only I was struggling with this, no one else knew my pain.

I looked forward to breastfeeding during my pregnancy - the quiet time with my little one where my list of to-dos could wait because it was Locklan's time now, or the bonding and coos he would make being so close to me.

Instead, my time was more precious. I counted down the minutes until he would hopefully be done eating (one hour plus) only to find out he was still hungry at times.. or he would spit it all back up, the little stinker. All I thought about as we struggled getting a good latch was the laundry piling up, the dishes rotting in the sink, my hair getting greasier by the second, and the minutes ticking away since the last time I had slept. Oh, did I have lunch today? Breastfeeding was not the idyllic, peaceful time I had in mind. No, I was absolutely not prepared for this.

As the sleep deprivation set in, the idea of turning to formula became that much more attractive. My eyes were a faucet dripping with mascara from three days ago, my nose competed with my dripping eyes, and my patience wore thin. He never seemed satisfied, yet he fell asleep as soon as he latched then screamed with hunger after putting him to bed. His feeding schedule fell apart because he was hungry almost after an hour and a half taking any sense of schedule and life from me as well. And then on top of it all, he seemed to forget how to suck. This was never going to end. I would have to do this the rest of my life. How dramatic. I thought I was facing postpartum depression. I no longer wanted to be a mother. I could tell myself that I didn't love him (but he was still so cute with those dark blue eyes).

Then along came my husband.

After soaking his shoulder in my worries, he stepped in and sat with me during Locklan's feedings, relaxing me with shoulder rubs and neck kisses. We came up with a plan of feeding him from me for an hour and topping him off with formula, then, as he learned to eat more efficiently and my breasts caught up with milk supply, he would slowly no longer need that top off at the end (and hopefully take less than an hour to eat). Two birds with one stone - I could catch up on sleep because Locklan would be full and happy enough to sleep, and I wouldn't have to turn to formula feeding and fail at accomplishing my goal/self challenge. Oh, and I was drinking Mother's Milk tea - good stuff.

With some sleep under my belt, my depression left. The skies were bright and hopeful again! Postpartum depression isn't a day to day thing but a overwhelming dark cloud that doesn't leave even with little victories in the day.

Now looking back on my small experience, I realize I wasn't putting my focus in the right place. This morning I read the little bible story of Caleb (my husband's name too!) and Joshua and the ten other spies looking out the Promised Land and I saw a truth. 12 spies were sent to check out the army the Israelites had to conquer to inherit their land. 10 of the 12 came back with the woes of defeat saying they had no chance against that army. Only Caleb and Joshua had enough faith in God's plan to bring back positive reports that it was possible. God punished those 10 because of their lack of faith (Numbers 13-14). Where is my faith? God created this process of birth and breastfeeding. Billions of mothers before me have struggled with the exact things as me and have survived to rear wonderful children who didn't starve. (And they didn't even have the option of formula, poor souls). My negativity and exaggerations defeated my hope and motivation. I had set out with the determination to be a breastfeeding mother and I will continue through the struggles. I need to relax and trust that I am not doing this alone. Positive thoughts bring positive outcomes.

So they say...

Lock Plays Ultimate

A friend informed me my blog wasn't good because I hadn't posted any pictures of Locklan yet. So, to make a better impression....

Catching some rays and absorbing our vitamin D for the day. Feels good to be so healthy!

The mini t-shirt says enough.

Living the life of luxury.

My day is filled with mini moments and it is my duty to enjoy each one. I forced myself to just sit and enjoy the sun with Lock instead of doing anything productive. I feel silly and useless even admitting I did nothing today, but because of that, I am able to learn new things about my son:

He loves, er, needs to be held as much as possible.
He forgets he is hungry and will fall asleep unless you remind him continuously.
Locklan hates having his feet wrapped up. It prevents him from being able to play Ultimate Frisbee in his dreams.
He knows when you leave the room.

Can't wait to see what new things tomorrow will discover!

Minute by Minute

The first few weeks.
I have had so much advice, both before Locklan was born and after, about what to expect in postpartum, how to treat myself, and how to breastfeed. I obsessed over the breastfeeding advice determined to be a rock star in record time. I figured I could handle the postpartum problems just fine as I have been on that emotional rollercoaster my whole life. The advice to take care of myself went in one ear and out the other (to be cliche). I figured I would have the energy and time between feedings to be my own person again and do things around the house enjoying my time free from employment. I wasn't going to be a lazy mother. I was going to jump right back on the train! I was sadly mistaken. My body repeatedly told me to slow down. And so did Lock. It was to be on his schedule and his alone. I expected room for multitasking, but with a child attached to my chest there was only so much I could do. My mind would race around thinking of everything I could get done when he finished eating, and so I would hurry him through, frustrating both of us. "One day at a time, love," my mom reminded me. "Don't worry about the house. Your life is about keeping Lock healthy now." I still became frustrated and overwhelmed thinking of how many more times I would need to feed him and how little time I had to myself. No. It needed to be "one minute at a time". No more thinking ahead of what I can do between each feeding or when Lock is sleeping because who the heck knows when that will be or how much time I'll have. One minute at a time. No thinking of laundry and visitors and grocery shopping. Only each moment with my little Lock will do. Rest and restore. life