Positive Thoughts

I heard breastfeeding was hard. That you would want to give up for a while in the beginning but in the end was so worth it. I wasn't prepared. I had no idea what they meant until I faced it myself. No one told me that struggle could last up to three months. Or that even after five weeks, the progress can still look slim to none. I felt alone, that only I was struggling with this, no one else knew my pain.

I looked forward to breastfeeding during my pregnancy - the quiet time with my little one where my list of to-dos could wait because it was Locklan's time now, or the bonding and coos he would make being so close to me.

Instead, my time was more precious. I counted down the minutes until he would hopefully be done eating (one hour plus) only to find out he was still hungry at times.. or he would spit it all back up, the little stinker. All I thought about as we struggled getting a good latch was the laundry piling up, the dishes rotting in the sink, my hair getting greasier by the second, and the minutes ticking away since the last time I had slept. Oh, did I have lunch today? Breastfeeding was not the idyllic, peaceful time I had in mind. No, I was absolutely not prepared for this.

As the sleep deprivation set in, the idea of turning to formula became that much more attractive. My eyes were a faucet dripping with mascara from three days ago, my nose competed with my dripping eyes, and my patience wore thin. He never seemed satisfied, yet he fell asleep as soon as he latched then screamed with hunger after putting him to bed. His feeding schedule fell apart because he was hungry almost after an hour and a half taking any sense of schedule and life from me as well. And then on top of it all, he seemed to forget how to suck. This was never going to end. I would have to do this the rest of my life. How dramatic. I thought I was facing postpartum depression. I no longer wanted to be a mother. I could tell myself that I didn't love him (but he was still so cute with those dark blue eyes).

Then along came my husband.

After soaking his shoulder in my worries, he stepped in and sat with me during Locklan's feedings, relaxing me with shoulder rubs and neck kisses. We came up with a plan of feeding him from me for an hour and topping him off with formula, then, as he learned to eat more efficiently and my breasts caught up with milk supply, he would slowly no longer need that top off at the end (and hopefully take less than an hour to eat). Two birds with one stone - I could catch up on sleep because Locklan would be full and happy enough to sleep, and I wouldn't have to turn to formula feeding and fail at accomplishing my goal/self challenge. Oh, and I was drinking Mother's Milk tea - good stuff.

With some sleep under my belt, my depression left. The skies were bright and hopeful again! Postpartum depression isn't a day to day thing but a overwhelming dark cloud that doesn't leave even with little victories in the day.

Now looking back on my small experience, I realize I wasn't putting my focus in the right place. This morning I read the little bible story of Caleb (my husband's name too!) and Joshua and the ten other spies looking out the Promised Land and I saw a truth. 12 spies were sent to check out the army the Israelites had to conquer to inherit their land. 10 of the 12 came back with the woes of defeat saying they had no chance against that army. Only Caleb and Joshua had enough faith in God's plan to bring back positive reports that it was possible. God punished those 10 because of their lack of faith (Numbers 13-14). Where is my faith? God created this process of birth and breastfeeding. Billions of mothers before me have struggled with the exact things as me and have survived to rear wonderful children who didn't starve. (And they didn't even have the option of formula, poor souls). My negativity and exaggerations defeated my hope and motivation. I had set out with the determination to be a breastfeeding mother and I will continue through the struggles. I need to relax and trust that I am not doing this alone. Positive thoughts bring positive outcomes.

So they say...